How to Recognize Parrot People 1. Only listens to music that your parrot will dance to. 2. Bruises all over your arms - from trying to squeeze a body into a door meant for a 500 gram parrot and not a 150 pound human. 3. Holes in all your clothes from beakies that don't like to be dirty or just for fun. 4. Poop stains on shirts - we don't know how those got there - our parrot is not allowed on shoulder. 6. Empty wallet syndrome - from having to buy every bloody parrot product someone mentions. Wounds on hands and arms - from trying to interact with a parrot who may not feel like it at that particular second. 7. Don't know how to have a conversation without the word "parrot" in it. 8. Home is full of parrot stuff. 9. Brain damaged - from banging head into external perches while trying to clean cage. #10 is why we do the other 9 things on this list and look so happy doing it !! How To Stuff Your Bird for the Holidays Ingredients: Turkey Green Beans Sweet Potatoes Mashed Potatoes w/Gravy Hot Rolls Pumpkin Pie Corn Pudding Stuffing Cranberry sauce Relish Tray Whipped Cream Hot Coffee Get up early in the morning and have a cup of coffee, It's going to be a long day so place your bird on a perch nearby to keep you company while you prepare the meal. Remove your bird from the kitchen counter back to the perch. Prepare stuffing, remove your bird from the edge of the stuffing bowl. Stuff turkey and place it in the roasting pan, remove your bird from the edge of the pan. Have another cup of coffee to steady your nerves. Remove your birds head from the turkey cavity and re-stuff voided area. Prepare relish tray, remember to make twice as much so that you'll have a regular size serving after your bird has eaten his fill. Remove your bird from the kitchen counter. Prepare cranberry sauce, discard berries accidentally flung to the floor. Peel potatoes, remove your bird from the edge of the potato bowl. Arrange sweet potatoes in pan and cover with brown sugar & mini marshmallows, remove your bird from the edge of the pan and replace missing marshmallows. Brew another pot of coffee. While it is brewing clean up the torn filter and old coffee ground from around the pot. Pry coffee bean from your birds beak. Have another cup of coffee & remove your bird from kitchen counter. When time to serve the meal; Place roasted turkey on a large platter, cover beak marks with strategically placed sprigs of parsley. Put mashed potatoes into serving bowl, rewhip at last minute to conceal beak marks and talon prints. Place pan of sweet potatoes on sideboard, forget presentation as there's no way to hide the areas of missing marshmallows. Put rolls in decorative basket, remove your bird from side of basked along with beaked rolls, serve what's left. Set a stick of butter out on the counter to soften, think better and return it to the refrigerator. Wipe down the counter to remove mashed potato talon tracks. Remove your bird from the kitchen counter and carve the pie into serving slices. Wipe the whipped cream off your bird's beak and place large dollops of remaining cream on pie slices. Whole slices are then served to guests, beaked out portions should be reserved for host and hostess. Place your bird inside cage and lock the door. sit down to a nice relaxing dinner with your family - accompanied by plaintive cries of "WANT DINNER!" from the other room. ARE YOU A BIRD ADDICT ? RATE YOURSELF ANSWER YES OR NO TO THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS Your bird eats better than you do. You end up with more "goodies" in your grocery cart for the birds than for yourself. You spend more money on bird food than human food. You've had to caution your family not to eat something because "it's for the birds". Your bird room/cage gets remodeled more than your house does. The baby pictures you show off to your friends, are of birds. You carry pictures of your birdies in your wallet with your kids/grandkids. After you get your check and pay bills you try to figure out if you can stretch it to get another bird. You've ever bought a bird "on time". You think baby birds are adorable. Your idea of eating out is usually McDonalds (or some other fast food) so you can get home quickly and feed the bappies. Or if you do get to go out to a sit down dinner you check out the salad bar for goodies to take home for the birds. You also can't seem to enjoy eating your birds favorite veggies.....without them! You make your spouse and your birds scrambled eggs and forget and give the spouse the ones with the shells in, (but it's O.K. because your spouse is an addict too). You make unbuttered, unsalted popcorn (yuch!) so the birds can have some. (Try to sneak some butter on yours later) You let your kids talk you into taking birds to school so THEY can give a report on caring for birds, the Rain Forest, extinction, ect.. (I've done most of the talking, I deserve the "A" for my grade point!) You go out some where and have feathers on you or find seeds in your pockets. You're out in public and someone notices bird droppings on you...and you DON'T freak out. You consider the Bird Club Meeting the most important event of the month. You end up eating junk food because you're too busy/tired from making healthy bird food. You fight with your other half over who gets to read Bird Talk and Bird Breeder first! Your remote control buttons don't work right because the buttons are chewed off. You constantly have scratches on your arms because of your birdies claws or the close encounters with cages. You consider: going hundreds of miles to bird shows. Staying up all night talking to bird people. Getting up at 5 a.m. to put your birds in boxes, chew your finger nails while they judge your birds, and usually do this for 2 days! Then drive home. And that's your idea of a vacation! IF YOUR "YES" ANSWERS TOTAL 0 - 4 You've probably just got your first bird and aren't addicted ...........YET! 5 - 8 Be prepared the addiction is creeping up on you. You're acquiring more birds, buying bird food in bulk and starting to attend bird show and fairs. 9 - 14 You are a bird addict! It is strongly recommended you join a bird club. While you will not be cured you will be surrounded by wonderful people suffering the same condition. 15. - + Forget it. You're addicted for life. If you're not already, you should be on the board and/or committees for your bird club. Because you do it because you LOVE BIRDS! YOU ARE THE ULTIMATE BIRD ADDICT. JOIN THE CLUB!! Rules on How To Eat Like A Bird 1. It is always preferable to eat outside the cage, most desirable being stealing inside someone ELSE'S cage, close runner-up being begging from humans eating. 2. If confined to cage (oh the horror), pick through offerings, fling out everything (if you are a flinger) or drop it straight down, slowly and deliberately (if you are a dropper) - especially if food is freshly proffered, thereby wasting good grapes, apples, carrots, broccoli, snow pea pods, beets, chile peppers, oranges, etc. Never mind that there are birds starving in cramped cages under blankets who only get stale sunflower/safflower seed mix from the 99 cent store on occasion. 3. If you have exhausted the supply or grown tired of the activity of flinging fresh food, stand inside the seed or pellet dish and either dig out all the contents with your hind leg or turn around, stand on the edge and sweep the contents out with your beak. 4. If given a wedge of fresh melon, tear it apart, leave some on your beak, stand up straight and shake your head, thereby spraying particles and debris throughout the immediate vicinity. Perhaps some of it will land on the buttons of the remote control thereby gumming up the "up" or "down" buttons, and perhaps splattering the TV screen or someone's clean white T-shirt. 5. Raspberries and other darkly colored fruits must be held in the feet. When done, insist on climbing all over human, again, preferably wearing clean white T-shirt. Also, attempt to punch holes in shirt, especially if it is a new T-shirt. Beak wiping is also mandatory on this item of clothing. 6. When eating anything involving (other) animal protein (such as steak, eggs, etc.) or sugar (chunks of fruit, once again), make sure to drop bits in places that the human does not see so that the ants can eat, too. This would be the only area in which you could be accused of demonstrating compassion for other living things. 7. When human refuses to share food, do whatever it takes to get to the food, be it crawl, climb, dangle, hang, swing, jump, tumble, stand straight out from the side of the cage or fly. Looking pitifully sorrowful is always successful. When you finally get what you think you want, throw it to the ground in disgust. This is the height of the haughty, manipulative behavior you seek to perfect. 8. Lastly, never allow humans to see you enjoying the things you know they think you should be eating. Eat in secret the sprouts and veggies they give you. If you must eat the things you flung to the floor of the cage, make sure they are the ones you haven't also pooped on. NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU EAT!! For the love of a Companion 1. Oh look, a pellet patch underneath Zazu's cage. I try to buy organic wherever I can; yet Zazu likes to eat the pellets that she has knocked out of her dish and onto the floor. 2. The fridge is not a good place for magnets when said fridge becomes a favourite perch. 3. Apparently cordless phones and TV remotes are not supposed to have buttons. Ask any parrot. 4. If you bring something new into the house and it is not locked in a safe with a 24 hour security guard, there is not a chance in hell that it will remain untouched. Parrots hate perfection. This is a very serious rule in the parrot world. 5. If you have parrots and you change into clean clothes, you have approximately a 3 second window before one poops down your back. Any longer than that is a miracle. Be thankful! 6. If you have something you value highly and wish it to remain unscathed, hang it in the cage as if it were a new toy. The same cannot be said for $120 sandals left unattended, down the hallway, on the floor. 7. Pomegranate should be given the day before you clean, not the day after. This needs no explanation. You know you're into Parrots if.... Original quip from http://www.featheredfamily.com/youknow.htm - your home contains 8 cages, 10 playstands, 6 swings, and a bed. - you are zoned as a rainforest wildlife sanctuary by your city. - all your neighbors move away, and you live in an apartment. - you consider collard greens, dandelion greens, parsnips, mustard green, and escarole to be common vegetables. - you go through the store checkout with 18 different fruits and veggies (none of which you plan to eat). - the person behind you at the checkout asks how you prepare the collard greens you're holding and you say that you haven't the slightest idea. - you have to explain to the lawncare company that you like dandelions in your yard. - you see absolutely nothing wrong with having every piece of furniture in your living room topped with cages while your lamp is on the floor, and you use a lapdesk because the desk itself holds your parrot toy box. - redecorating the house means finding a way to squeeze in another bird cage. your garage contains extra cages, playstands, toys, but no car. - you've ever answered the phone with a parrot on your head. - you tell people on the phone, "I can't talk now; I've got a parrot on my head." - people overhearing your parrot discussions think you're talking about your date. - you drive around on recycling day looking for the biggest piles of newspaper to steal and feel guilty when people look out their windows and pity you. - you want world peace, to save the environment, a cure for AIDS and a better way to clean bird poo. - you have vases full of feathers instead of flowers. - you have 3 tv's and none of them are for you to use. - your c.d. collection contains opera, classical, and speech lessons, none of which you listen to. - you haven't owned an alarm clock in 10 years, but never get up late. - when you're at Home Depot you're busy dreaming about building new play areas. - you have no carpet in your house, anywhere. - you shower in the guest bathroom, because the master bath is too full of perches. - your friends come over for dinner and offer to make a salad, to which you reply "none of those vegetables are for humans!" - you haven't taken a vacation in 10 years, and like it that way. - every room in your home is equipped with U.V. lighting. - your walls are lined with Plexiglas, your ceilings are lined with Plexiglas, and your floors are covered in plastic runners, and they are all still stained. - you have replaced your vacuum at least twice a year. |
